Some words on regret and such.

She will not know if she were ever asked about me. She will not know what it is that you're speaking of. My inertia made sure that how we presented ourselves, at least outwardly, those presentations were maintained. Internally, she had been left with no choice but to choose to the deny existence of anything substantial and she has most certainly been able to make that choice. And though how painful it might appear in admitting this, it is quite possibly that she has been able to do so comfortably. She has had the presence of fast friends, a network of comfort that prevents her from ever relying on her personal domain. In my own bosom, I am a convict for I failed. I cannot rely on it nor can I find in others the possibility of protecting me in the way my own bosom could. So I am in misery and forever facing the reality of the situation. Forever I am contemplating over that which could've happened didn't happen and why when it did happen it was made to not happen. In my confusions and inglorious judgements I am convicted whereas she, she in her glorious judgements is free. Her free passions are given flight by the social comfort she enjoys. In failing my bosom, I failed my core and a failed core cannot be a bridge, it cannot connect. Its natural tendency is to recoil unto itself some more and sort of, under tremendous pressure, like a star shrinking under its own weight, at some point disintegrate. So if some were to stand her on trial about "us" she can deny any knowledge of such an existing entity and she would not be a liar, neither to the world nor to herself. It was essential to me that she remained just as free, it was essential to me as well, that I remain just as free. But as soon as she chose deviation, my freedom was snapped from me. Freedom is a gift, or a right, presented by life to a conscience. Life has taught conscience that there are times when freedom can be used at its own discretion, times when freedom may not be used at all and times when freedom must at all cost be utilized. For the last, life also issues a warning that if the conscience were to ever fail in utilizing freedom when utmost necessary then life reserved the right to snatch it away. When freedom leaves the conscience, the void is consumed entirely by regret. Regret isn't specific to an event. Regret, once entered into conscience spreads uniformly throughout. Regret has no conscience of itself, it has no sense of direction - it can go anywhere, do anything. It doesn't "do" as much as it destroys. But the real point remains that regret is devoid of any direction. It is a virus that comes with one ambition alone, to consume the conscience (its host) as much as it can so that the conscience survives and therefore so does it. Through regret is born the indestructible depression. There is no cure for depression because it can't have one. Just as love, when presented is exists eternally so does depression eternally survive. Depression can't be sidelined. Everything a person does since giving birth to depression is done in spite of depression. There is no escaping it, there is only tolerating it. It never leaves you and the fact is, you can't ever want it to leave you either. For its birth is in birth of that freedom which left you, so you don't have the choice. And suppose it did leave you, there is nothing other than regret or freedom that fill that void. Conscience can't exist simply as conscience, it has to exist in relation to something either to freedom or to regret. Conscience is the space upon which these notions stand, and so in a way it precedes them BUT it can't exist without them according. It has to exist with them as their foundation. And such is the nature of regret and the depression it gives birth to. It is entirely a sympathetic depression which it gives birth to, it couldn't ever bear to be an egotistical one. It realizes the follies only in itself and therefore in the host's conscience and nowhere else. That is its entire domain. There cannot be an egotistical depression, there never arises ever any possibilities of its existence. It is pure ego and no depression.