From my madness:

There is no her, there is only the imagination of her. She isn't what you think in your mind she is for if that were the case you wouldn't have been able to keep away from her. She is your compromise for your oath. It is what balances you; it keeps you sane. Your solitaryhood is your real passion, it is the result of all your yearnings. If you were to suddenly sleep, you would dream of yourself in a closed room with walls that stretched for eternity and whose walls were transparent enough that you could view the world but firm enough that none could penetrate them.

It is your objective to be the true solitary king, the master of utter silence but for that you need a person. You need her insofar as she only remains in your mind but she can't be entirely fictional. She can't be someone you haven't interacted with for your interaction with her lends her the real world credibility. It provides a pair of real eyes and a real conscience that is there to judge you. A fictional love would be easy to manipulate and rather than anything it would lead to utter insanity. Her real eyes will continue to test you, they will force you to keep on path. You will yearn her and you must for that yearning is your realization of your suffering. Your suffering is the realization of your achievement.