Serious

Being serious is an issue with roots deep within my philosophy.When you've undertaken the task to question everything, you can barely remain serious. You end up in a position where being serious is a ludicrous as being mischievous.
So deep, here in my own personal abyss, there is no light of the first question that got me here.
Which is not to suggest that I'm inviting Againity. She comes not from that far but has been around
for the last six or seven years. Six years, all crumpled into one and I haven't aged a bit.
I've made drastic changes but those are only to unearth my true self to the world. My true self is yet to change. I've failed to do that.
Changes need to come from within but how much do you change? You can change your philosophy
but for it to affect your surroundings requires something far greater than a fit of rebellion.
I could've rebelled and done worse things but doing things to blatantly exploit my freedom would get me nowhere to changing my true self. I could've run around drunk, done drugs, had bastard kids or run away but none of these expose freedom. They merely destroy it.
My thoughts and my mind are one. I am no longer against my own well being. However, I continue to be against my surroundings. A change is necessary. What holds me back is the fact that I've failed here. I don't want to start anew by failing the current. It just seems like I'm running away, and although an escape is what I want, I still prefer to do it with dignity.
This dilemma has grown stronger than weeds over the past few months. Dignity and honor must mean very little to me. I must proceed to do what's within me. I must venture out for my happiness which will eventually bring happiness to others. But can they see it? Will they accept it?
I cannot fool myself by thinking their happiness doesn't matter. I am linked to them and they to me, not my choice but by reality. In my mind what is a small problem is for them an unknown obstacle. Where my happiness happens to lead me is what they've yearned to escape. I know that at the moral core my views are justified. Selfish, though they may seem, they're really not as such.